Everything Was Fine Until Whatever Read online

  Dear Readers,

  I want you to think I’m a part of you somehow, or that we share something no one else could possibly understand. I want this to make you a little nervous. I want you to think I’m doing something no one else can do. I want you to think that no one else could do what I do correctly. I want you to spend your money on me. Not all your money, and not necessarily a large amount, but some sort of spending so I know I’m worth something. Hopefully at least three dollars cos if you think about it, what can you get for less than three dollars? I want you to think about me when I’m not around. I want you to think of me, in a non-sexual way, when you’re in bed at night. I want you to cry and then realize the absurdity in this emotional release. I want you to laugh through tears and then realize the heartbreaking honesty audible in your laughter. I want your heart to break from seeing so much of yourself in me, and to break again when you realize I know more about you than you do. I want your heart to be so broken that all you can do is pathetically alter yourself in response to my more accurate vision of you and, with unobstructed spirit and determination, love me. I want this love for me to be your only talent, and I want you to eventually realize that it isn’t even adequate, and that I really deserve better.

  Love,

  Chelsea

  CONTENTS

  Baby's First Words

  I understand that 'love' is a word with a definition that interpret differently than others do

  And I understand that the definition of the word 'love' is filled with words that also have definitions

  20 Simple Makeup Tips for the Everyday Woman

  His Lies Taste like Eggs Benedict

  God's Girlfriend

  Beginnings That Lead to Middles

  Maybe Her Pending Corpse is a Window

  I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I shouldn't work in customer service.

  I try to drink coffee and look out of windows but eventually I have to crap or blink

  Nothing Can Make Me Feel Sincere Not Even True Love.

  It Could've Been a Photograph of Anybody

  I'm Not, I'm Big-Boned

  I write poetry because if I don't I will have to think about serious things.

  Maybe I'm laughing while I write this because I have no capacity to take anything seriously.

  Even on Christmas I try to be in a text message conversation at all times.

  I have started a band and my gimmick is I only write songs about the neighbor's dog and pretend to be displacing my emotions.

  Is Everyone Ready to See My Muscles?

  The moral of the story is, do you think I'm fat?

  I want to text message my mom something cute like I met a boy, which is why I"m wearing makeup today.

  What Are You Wearing!

  Fable

  Deer Gaze

  Your Only Memory of Him

  Held Together Wrists

  I'm writing about love because no one else ever has and because I'm wearing jeans that make my butt look good

  Aftermath of the 90's

  Telescope

  WTF QT Sup

  The Protagonist

  Manipulation, Energy Drinks, and Time Travel

  Problems

  Girl's Guide to Boyfriends in Bathrooms

  I $ You

  Kurt and Courtney

  Aphorism

  Life is Time Consuming

  Acronyms To Expedite Conversation

  Pfeiffer

  To Do List

  Do you want me to be sincere or do you want me to be myself?

  Hats for Dummies

  Narnia

  My Biggest Claim to Fame

  Cousins

  Wait, Why are You in Denial?

  Insecurities in Cuties

  If You Were Wondering if You're a Selfish Asshole

  Puberty

  How to Save Money on Your Car Insurance

  More Perfect and Less Idealistic

  Today is the Worst Day of My Entire Life (I Always Live in the Present)

  Baby’s First Words

  June 16– My parents gave me a ‘Baby’s First Words’ journal. When I unwrapped it from its packaging, Baby took one look and said, “Obviously imported from China.”

  June 17 – Baby called me by my first name today. “Ned,” she said, “It’s story time.”

  June 18 – I forgot to take a towel in to the bathroom with me when I showered, and had to run across the front room naked to fetch one. Baby: “What the?” I dutifully sat down and gave her the sex-talk. Glad that’s out of the way. I didn’t mention to her that her future spouse may ignore her sexual advances for months on end. I thought we could talk about that later, when maybe I would have some advice to give her. Or I could make Karen talk to her about that and listen in on the conversation for insight.

  June 19 – Today Karen and I discussed what I would do about my being laid off. I explained we might have to live with less for a while, until the jeans market became popular again. Baby said, “Jeans are so 1970.” Karen expected me to be able to adapt my sales talent to other products. I told her she should check back into the real world. Baby chimed in by saying, “Yeah, lady, I heard you cried to Titanic.”

  June 20 – She didn’t say anything today, but when I put Baby in her crib for a nap, she crossed her arms and wouldn’t take a bottle. So I picked her back up, dressed her, and took her to the park to impress the women there, which is her favorite thing to do. But I was thinking perhaps Karen and I need to start curbing these early signs of manipulation.

  June 21 – I took Baby to the city park today. Baby seemed to get a kick out of yelling out, “Hey, Legs” to the attractive women.

  June 22 – My friend and ex-coworker Steve came over today to deliver my last paycheck and I invited him to eat dinner with us. I explained that I was actually happy to be out of the jeans business before jeans became embarrassingly unpopular. Steve said, “You shouldn’t judge the cat’s pajamas if you can’t sell them.” What the hell does that mean? Steve is an asshole.

  June 24 – I bought Baby plastic ‘Mom and Dad’ dolls that resemble Karen and I. When I gave them to her, Baby immediately started hitting the two dolls together passionately, saying, “Love is real.” Karen doesn’t like the dolls. She said I shouldn’t have bought them. I think she hates seeing representations of our bodies connecting so dynamically.

  June 25 – Baby didn’t talk today, but, when prompted, she gestured to me that she preferred the taste and texture of Swiss when compared to bleu cheese.

  June 26 – We went to Steve’s house today to swim. Karen was venting very flirtatiously to Steve about the ‘overwhelming heartbreak’ she was supposedly feeling. Steve said, “If you love the ball that’s in your court, set it free.” Karen said, “I feel unstable. I wish Ned was more attentive to our needs.” Noticing the irony of Karen’s statement, and acknowledging that I’m the only one who is ever sexually attentive in any way, Baby laughed and said, “Ain’t that some shit.”

  June 27– Today, Baby and I went to the park, but sadly there were no women there for us to impress. I suggested we go home and try to impress Karen. Baby said, in a tone that reminded me of cable television, “Riiiiiiiight.”

  June 28 – Today Karen brought up the fact that I didn’t believe she was pregnant with Baby until her second trimester. I reminded her that she was not innocent of faking things. This riled her up and she cried, a throwback to our teenage years together. I felt the same undeserving longing for her that I felt when I first met her. Baby woke up from her nap and said, “Something feels different. Did you guys pump the breast milk without me?” I thought it was an interesting thing for her to say because we have never pumped the
breast milk. Karen was upset that I questioned Baby. She has the idea that Baby doesn’t need to hear that she’s ever wrong, and that we should humor her even when she’s spreading totally completely inaccurate information.

  June 29 – I gave Baby coffee this morning because she said, “I’m sick of breastfeeding.” But she didn’t seem to like the coffee either. She sucked it up her straw only to blow it back through onto the cat and Karen’s purse, which I noticed is new. When did she get a new purse?

  June 30 – Baby tried to grab the chocolate cake I was eating for breakfast, and when I told her she couldn’t have any, she said, “Oopsies,” and then took off her diaper and pooped on the kitchen floor. I left it for Karen, so she would see what I mean about Baby’s seriously inventive manipulation tendencies.

  July 1– Baby wanted her diaper changed today. As I changed it, she looked up at me and said, “Story of my life.” At first I thought she was referring to the unpleasant consistency of crapping day in and day out, but she explained that even though each crap seems like a huge loss of material and sustenance, the important elements of a meal remain within, that there are remnants of material that never leave us, like a sourdough that keeps being added to, and contribute to the growth and well-being of our bodies, which in effect help form the ‘stories of our lives.’

  July 2 – Baby wanted her diaper changed again today, but instead of crying and pointing to her diaper melodramatically like she usually does, she sighed and said, “No pain, no gain,” and didn’t bring it up again until I finished taking my nap.

  July 3 – Steve came over today. I can tell Baby doesn’t like him. She’ll laugh and play when Steve is around, but as soon as he leaves the room, Baby goes, “Tight wad, breath like asshole, let’s eat out.” At one point, Steve came to me and said, “Ned, what’s your secret? You act ten years younger than anyone your age,” which really set Baby off. “Loosen up,” she said, and rolled off the cushion she was propped up against. I gave Steve some coffee with laxatives in it, but I don’t know what happened. I haven’t heard anything about it.

  July 4 – After updating my internet profile, I stepped into the kitchen to hear Baby say, “Onion.” This excited Karen for some reason. She laughed and screamed and encouraged Baby to say it again. “Her first word, her first word,” Karen yelled at me, “She said ‘Mama!’” I told her that Baby had actually said “onion.” This upset Karen, who obviously needed confirmation of Baby’s affection towards her. But Baby stuck up for me by laughing and saying, “Onions are really weird.”

  July 7 – Tonight it was my turn to make dinner. Right after I got off the phone with Dominos, Karen shooed me out of the room. From the toilet, I overheard her using her sexy voice and came out prepared to scold her for talking sexy to Baby. But Baby was sound asleep on the sofa. That’s when I realized Karen wasn’t talking to Baby; she was on the phone with someone. I pretended I didn’t hear her, and asked why she didn’t let me touch her hands or lower back in public anymore. I remember saying ‘Let’s learn to love again,’ and her saying something insulting about ‘what we’ve become.’ Baby woke up and said, “Dinner is a four-letter word.”

  July 9 – Karen wanted ‘time to think,’ which probably means ‘time to practice infidelity’ this weekend, so I am staying in a motel. I talked to Baby on the phone tonight and she said, “Stuck washing dishes thanks to you.”

  July 10 – I talked to Baby on the phone again today. I told her about how I’m was thinking about her all day because I saw a lot of women that I just knew Baby could really impress. Baby said, “Shh, TV’s on,” which was really cute and made me homesick.

  July 11 – I came home today and Baby was lying on the living room floor looking really bored. I tried to pick her up, but she pretended to be asleep. When I walked away, she opened her eyes again. She seemed irritated. “Are you mad at me?” I asked. She said, “No, I’ve just grown quiet because I’m trying to crap.”

  July 13 – I feel depressed. I haven’t talked to Baby or Karen today and I don’t think I will. Karen has not attempted to talk to me all day. She looks at me when she’s passing through rooms, which makes me think she’s not mad. It is as if nothing is wrong and she just doesn’t care to talk to me. It is about 10pm and I am watching a show about sharks. The weather is good.

  July 17 – Today while I was at home spending time with Baby, I tried to write an apology letter for Karen, explaining that I didn’t feel I had anything to be sorry for but I was tired of fighting with her, but Baby ripped it out of my hands and pulled it into the bathtub. I started writing another letter explaining how I felt and the main reason I was upset, which was I felt like she had turned into some kind of weirdly responsible, conservative adult, which was never our plan.

  July 18 – Today I called Baby and I heard Karen talking to someone in the background. “Who is there with you guys?” I asked. Baby told me it was a man who was “funny yet good-looking.” I asked her if she happened to catch his name and she said, “Are you sobbing into the receiver?”

  July 23 – Karen let me come home again two days ago. Steve was over when I arrived at home after job-hunting today. He tried to shake my hand as I came in, but I explained that this was probably the worst time of year to be exposing myself to rashes or skin diseases. Then we all watched Nick at Nite.

  July 25 – The small things in life are what impact you the most. I have noticed that when little things of mine are moved from one place to another in the house, I become upset. It has significance because I know Karen is moving these things and I can’t understand why. My belt that I had taken off in the kitchen had been moved from one bar stool to another. It doesn’t make a difference where it is but it’s just that it was a decision made by Karen. Somehow the placement of my belt mattered to her in some way and she needed more control over it.

  July 30 – Today Baby said, “Life’s flashin’ before me and shit.” Upon inspection, I saw that she had her first tooth coming in.

  August 3 – Today Baby and I took a walk in the park. “Daaang,” she said, as a woman with a dog walked by. This pleased the woman, and she came over to us and introduced herself as Aida. “You like the puppy dog?” the woman asked Baby patronizingly. “She said ‘dang,’” I explained, “And I think she was referring to your fascinating bosom.” “Yeah, Dog,” Baby said sweetly, to protect Aida from embarrassment.

  August 5 – Today Karen and I both stayed home all day to spend time with Baby. Baby crawled a little around the living room and sat herself in the corner to poop. “Baby,” I said, attempting to impress Karen, “what’s four plus nine?” “Thirteen,” Baby said. “What’s four minus nine?” “Negative five,” Baby said. “Very good. What’s four times nine?” “I don’t know yet,” Baby said. “She doesn’t know her times tables yet,” I whispered to Karen. “Ned,” Karen said, and looked at me with her disturbed little frown, the way she had been looking at me the whole time Baby and I were solving math, “You’re the one who doesn’t know your times tables.” She’s always trying to make things seem like my fault. I never see her teaching Baby math functions, but she would never blame herself, would she?

  August 8 – Baby and I went over to Steve’s house today. We looked through his windows. We saw a blinking light on the answering machine and a sweater that looked like Karen’s. Baby said, “Does this mean I am an orphan?” I said, “No, no, no, you just have a broken family.” We climbed a tree so that we might see down into windows without anyone seeing us, but the trees Steve has in and around his yard are particularly lush and it is impossible to see through the foliage.

  August 10 – I woke up to Baby screaming hysterically from her room. I went to see her and she had crawled out of the crib and couldn’t figure out how to get back in. I picked her up and put her back in the crib and caressed her little head. “Am I the only one that loves you?” Baby said. “No, of course you aren’t,” I said. “Am I the only one in your life who it is possible to comfort?” she said. “No,” I said. “Ab
solutely not.” She shook her rattle absentmindedly and I could see that her knowledge of me was thorough, that she could tell I was lying, and that she didn’t feel sorry for me. “Well, ” I said. “Looks like Baby needs her first haircut.”

  Sometimes I forget why I’m so negative and judgmental and then I remember.

  I understand that ‘love’ is a word with a definition that interpret differently than others do

  I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me for a long time because he said he liked me too much and didn’t want to ruin anything.

  When we finally had sex he put a finger in my butthole.

  I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me because he was afraid of my libido. Just kidding. No one is afraid of my libido.

  I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me because I laughed when he kissed me because he had really funny kissing technique.

  I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me. When I broke up with him he asked for an explanation and I had to say that we were sexually incompatible. He said, “Oh.”

  I dated a boy who wouldn’t have sex with me but he would kiss me and get me naked and hold me down and make me swear I loved him.

  And I understand that the definition of the word ‘love’ is filled with words that also have definitions

  I dated a boy who sometimes made me feel bad about myself. And not in the way where I knew he was trying to. That wouldn’t’ve been as bad. He genuinely thought things were wrong with me.

  I dated a boy whose libido I was afraid of.

  I dated a boy who would invite me over to his house and then leave with friends and I would watch sports on TV with his roommate.

  I dated a boy who I wasn’t attracted to in even the smallest way. He got free donuts though cos he worked at this place.

  I dated a boy who was so easy to manipulate that he became an appendage to me and when we broke up I experienced phantom limb syndrome instead of sadness.